striving, exerting, fine-tuning
ourselves everyday
just to hear that applause
that can fill up the void that we built for ourselves over the years,
for that moment when we would finally feel fulfilled
and be who we were always meant to be.
but once the accolades come to us
they are nothing but the past the next day-
intangible, immoveable.
and we are back to square one- yearning for it again.
we do have a choice.
Updated: May 23, 2024
I am almost tundra. vast, innominate and a danger to anyone who walks around me
I am a secret that no fire will reveal. You have tried to teach me lessons and bend me to your ways but I am not built to yield. I am built to admonish life. I watch the sun silent and lifeless, my only friend. I am the beginning and end of everything and only I know what the journey cost. And I stay still as I watch you all beyond the empyrean splendor, stocked in mirth, blood, woe but you're merely dust.
This is what my life sounds like -
It sounded like this when everyone was out on the streets yelling Happy New Year.
It sounded like this a month later when I was battling ferocious hives, possibly wrought upon by the COVID booster shot I needed to get.
It sounded like this when I turned 30 and baked a cake for myself in the kitchen.
It sounded like this when I completed my degree.
It sounded like this when I got promoted.
It sounded like this when the holidays came around in the USA and in India.
It sounded like this when my relationships ended.
It sounded like this when I got the news of my dear mother passing away.
It sounded like this when I came back from India after performing her last rites.
It sounded like this when I sat with myself, ferociously trying to figure out who I am.
Silent.
Our generation was the first of the numb ones, the first line of defence against the internet that took life as we knew it, down.
Our heads are already in disarray and our bodies don't know how to separate trauma without applying a twisted sense of rationale to it till it isn't trauma anymore but something that was bound to happen anyway- the head would win everytime.
You see, someone had offered a sagely piece of advice - to be more in solitude with myself- do not listen to music in the gym, not in the car, do not play the TV in the background, no distractions during any activity, STOP!
When this advice is taken seriously and applied to the life of someone in disarray,
life gets more painful than not.
For the first time in my life, I am hyper aware of myself, my skin, my teeth, my greying temples and even how long my nails grew in a week.
And this is scary because this silence is self inflicted and forced into reality which is usually filled with music and TV.
And this is also novel to the head and the heart and it feels like I am having to teach myself how to exist and function and build up the endurance to get through the day without interference.
I do not know the outcome of this trajectory I am on.
But this silence in solitude is deafening.