Backwash

The dreams stopped

I just lay,

incapacitated

languishing

predictable.

Venerated as my most precious,

the dreams obliviated;

rendering me reversed

almost precocious.

Do I need to do everything again?

Reset?

Re-dream?

Re evaluate?

Relent?

The wall meets fist

The wall meets head

The wall meets foot

The wall meets screams.

It's the valley

the backslide

the backwash

the downslide

the upside down

for a while.

And while I feel so

everything will feel so.

Because what I am

the world is.

How I am,

the world is.

Today is not gratitude day.

It is just a monstrous Saturday.

Music People

At some point

we've all had long

or just longish hair.

We've identified

with legends

on stage playing

to stadiums filled with thousands

or in quiet rooms with a handful

of people mesmerized.

We've woven tunes around words

stitched words around tunes

danced to ugly beats

headbanged to angst

been spellbound by lyrics

or relaxed to slick jazz.

We have struggled

to grasp new technology

and spent our money

on instruments we didn't need.

Inspired and gotten inspired

at the same time

and written and composed endlessly

until something clicked.

Some of us made it.

Some of us strayed.

Some of us got married

and settled down with the music itself

and some of us

chose to let go.

Whatever the choice,

find your music, okay?

Chapters

Realized today how life, not just for me, but for everyone probably, is like a book chapter. Of course, this comparison is not new. The realization is. I have been thinking about where to go from here now. I am 32, unmarried, about to finish my MBA, with a decent job, living alone in the USA, thousands of miles away from home in the middle of a pandemic.

When I lived and worked in Pune for close to 5 years, it felt like that life was going to like that forever. Good friends, a job, music and madness - everyday was pretty awesome. But then I got the chance to travel to USA for work and that chapter just ended out of the blue. It didn't quite sink in for a while. I went to Kolkata, packed up my stuff and settled into a life abroad with a few friends from work. My relationship with my girlfriend in Pune ran its course and ended. I started another chapter.

Its now been 5 years in that new chapter. I have moved to working at another company and moved cities. I started living by myself for the first time in my life and it has been pretty great. I got to travel a lot and make time for learning new things in life.

In all of this, if you notice, you don't see family mentioned yet. After school and college, all I wanted to do was leave Kolkata. There was nothing there. No opportunities, the same places to frequent and same things to do. As I moved out of the city, all I wanted to do was live my life the way I wanted from that moment. I knew my parents would be fine in Kolkata with all relatives and friends around. But now, it is come to a point where I don't think I can avoid looking after them anymore. Dad has been complaining about the hundreds of times he has to move upstairs and downstairs. Mom's knee surgery went okay and she has reduced movement. Maya Pishi is also old now and all of this would have been fine if there was someone younger in the house. I don't live there neither does Dia or Pia, so these folks are now left alone. I am struggling to figure out what the future looks like now that all these decisions need to be made.

Then there is Devyani. She runs her firms out of Kolkata. How much possible would it be for her to move out of the city? Where is the future of that picture? In Kolkata? In another city in India? In the USA?

It seems like this chapter is drawing to a close now. I have been avoiding the end thinking quite selfishly about all the things I would lose in life if I were to leave the USA. But Pune ended right? Most of the folks moved out as well, things are not the same anymore. What were once evenings of music, dancing, drinking are gone. And there is no opening those pages again. Everyone has moved on, gotten married, had kids and been through the pandemic. I miss that part of life but somewhere I do realize its gone and its not going to come back but I will keep the memories.

So why not the same with the USA? Just because its the west? just because life is much easier here? Just because I can earn more money here and support myself and others better? Its not like there are people who will miss me if I disappeared one day. Everyone is making their own stories and I am not in anyone's anyway. So, all of that - is it worth it?

I think I am waiting for a sudden shining light. A blinding answer. A stark realization. A firm push in some direction. Will that come? Or is life happening as I wait for it to start for me?