Deafening Silence

As always,

the silence is deafening.

I remembered something in the midst of that deafness today-

something that I had preached but not practiced-

that the Universe will teach us the same lessons in different ways

over and over until we learn what is required for us to understand

from those lessons and finally make sense of it all.

Unfortunately, these lessons do not come with subtitles,

do not come with announcements, do not come with headings

or an Amber alert; the Universe just keeps throwing them at us

and it is up to us to lean in and make sense of what is happening

or try to notice if there is a pattern.

I realized and learnt a few months ago

that the Universe had been teaching me lessons

to love myself and look inward for a long time in a variety of ways.

I learnt and realized the Universe had been teaching me lessons

to be authentic and to find a true version of my own self

that I could finally take out into the world.

I realized that the Universe was teaching me to love better, trust more,

have more intention in all that I do and show up consistently and with truth.

But the hard part of all these realizations

is the sustenance of it all.

Life gets in the way again

and we tend to forget the lessons we learnt.

So what is the Universe really teaching me right now?

What must I learn in this enormous deafening silence

as I lay on my bed and let time wash over me?

silence

silence slows us down-

by either comforting

or overwhelming us.

In its comfort

we are all children

in the womb-

safe and protected.

In its overwhelmingness

we are claustrophobic

and gasping for air-

deaf and mute.

I think, therefore I sweat

I stand at the intersection

of Rene St. and Eckhart Avenue

looking at my phone -

there was a simple question from Ashley sprawled on it - "what do you want for dinner?"

But little did she know, little did all these people walking around me know

that I was suddenly feeling hot and clammy.

I wanted Mexican food

but my ageing stomach didn't agree with it these days

and I had a presentation the next day.

But should I take a chance and live like I'm in my twenties?

Too risky, maybe Italian's a choice?

or maybe not, it does clog up the pipes of late.

Ashley, do you think you would want Indian food?

you are always complaining about the spice, do we have Tums at home?

A salad then!

But that was what I had for lunch, I don't want to chew on leaves again.

But hey, think of how you can already start programming healthy food to your body with 2 salads, will it be easier from there?

Wasn't Eric talking about something like this just the other day ?

Building habits has to start small he said, having just read Atomic Habits;

who was the author? James something wasn't it?

I wonder what other books exist on building habits and why I don't read them.

Ashley has been asking me to journal,

where should I start?

My thoughts on what I like about myself?

that seems like a good place to start- what do I like about myself?

I do consider myself kind and nice to people,

but people suck sometimes and don't know how to be people,

like Monica- she says the most insensitive things at times!

I told mom about it the other day and she told me to overlook these things and move on-

I wonder what she is doing right now; what did she have for dinner?

Oh shoot, I have to let Ashley know about dinner-

"does Mediterranean food sound good?"

"No, I don't feel like Mediterranean food Mayukh"

"how about dumplings then?"

"okay, what else?"

"Umm, ramen?"

"ooh yes, sounds good with some dumplings!"

"Cool!"

Mind you it's winter right now

and I am still standing at the intersection of Rene St. and Eckhart Avenue

looking at my phone and I am positively glowing with perspiration!

Ramen and dumplings sound good but I need to take off my jacket-

I'm steaming like a dumpling in it.

I see a fluorescent yellow car drive by,

who paints their car that color?

What other glaring shades like this exist I wonder.

I think, therefore I sweat.